


to love in vain

by procellarum (dazai)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 08:06:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2184183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazai/pseuds/procellarum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma finally tells Kuroo his feelings... for a certain shorty from Karasuno. (Inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/mookie000/status/501973039681400832">this</a>.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kenma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, a Haikyuu!! fanfic... I've always wanted to write one, though fanfiction is not my forte and so I was always scared to try it out. But now here I am with one. A very dear friend of mine wanted a fic of [this](https://twitter.com/mookie000/status/501973039681400832) so I tried my best to make one for her. The writing is bad and the characters are ooc by my standards though; nonetheless I hope this is satisfactory enough. This work is unedited so I apologize for any errors I may have made.
> 
> ~~I also couldn't think of a better title. I'm sorry.~~
> 
> The first chapter is in Kenma's POV. The next will be Kuroo's.

_“A mighty pain to love it is,_  
 _And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;_  
 _But of all pains, the greatest pain_  
 _It is to love, but love in vain.”_  
 _― Abraham Cowley_

* * *

Kenma felt uneasy.

Something had been bothering him for days, and he wasn’t quite sure what it was. He had never really been one to ponder for too long about certain things – usually, he was quick to figure things out, quick to find a solution, and that was a trait of his that had always proved helpful to him, especially during volleyball games. But this time he wasn’t quite sure.

It hAd started a while back, he supposed, when Karasuno had come to Tokyo for their training camp. Though their days had, of course, been spent playing volleyball against other schools such as Fukurodani, he had been able to spend quite some time talking to Hinata. This had been a surprise to everyone, including Kuroo, who all knew that Kenma was the quiet type and did not really talk much even around friends (though it was also obvious that it was Karasuno’s shorty that had done most of the talking during their interactions), but they supposed it was a good thing. Kenma supposed it was, too, and he wouldn’t have noticed it himself until Kuroo had brought it up.

 _“…if shorty were your practice partner as an_ opponent _, it would get you motivated too, wouldn’t it?”_

_Kenma blinked, a little confused. “Why do you say that?”_

_“When you’re watching one of shorty’s matches,” said Kuroo, a rather mischievous grin on his face, “your face looks the same way it does when you’re starting a freshly-bought game, you know?”_

Of course. It was Kuroo who knew him the best, after all. But it was precisely those words that Kuroo had spoken that day that got Kenma to start thinking.

And he thought, for days. It was always something that lingered just at the back of his mind, even when he tried to forget about it. He supposed feelings really _were_ quite complicated after all, especially if it was your first time encountering them.

When he finally reached his conclusion, he faced a new dilemma – he didn’t know what to do about what he felt. After all, this was his first time to experience it after all, and it was only natural for him to know nothing. This bugged him even more for quite a while, but this time the solution came faster.

Why not ask Kuroo? Kuroo was his first friend (and dare he say, _best_ friend), and knew him better than anybody else did. It also seemed to him that Kuroo would be the type to be experienced about such things, or at least know about them. He was smart after all, and often he even possessed knowledge about the most random and irrelevant things. It seemed only proper to ask for his help.

And so it happened that they were walking home together after training. They had dropped by the convenience store for some ice cream beforehand, and now they were walking side by side, each with their own popsicle, and in the silence of the moment Kenma was trying to think of how to bring up the subject of his feelings with Kuroo. It felt so awkward now, just telling him out of the blue, but he felt as though he had to bring it up, tell someone at least, let it out to someone he trusted –

“Hey, Kuroo –“ 

“Say, Kenma –“

They had spoken in unison, and the two of them stared at each other in surprise. It was Kuroo who broke the silence with a laugh, shaking his head. “Ah, you go first. What is it, Kenma?”

“Oh, well, I…” Suddenly he felt nervous. Kenma bit his lip and fidgeted, at a loss for words now that he had his moment, so instead he decided to look away; maybe not looking at Kuroo would make it easier for him to speak. “I’ve been… thinking about something lately…”

“Hm?” There was curiosity in Kuroo’s tone as he tilted his head. “About what?”

“Not ‘what’, but more of, ‘who’… I… I’ve been thinking about… about Shouyou…”

There was a slight pause. He couldn’t see the expression on Kuroo’s face, but when he spoke his voice somehow became deeper, slightly more serious. “Oh? And what about him?”

“Well, I remember what you told me before… Remember, during training camp? You said that I always look excited whenever I watch Shouyou’s matches, and I… I realized that…” Kenma paused for a bit to take a deep breath; he wasn’t used to speaking so much, especially not about things like these. Somehow… somehow, expressing his feelings felt harder, more difficult, like they took more energy to do than small talk or idle conversations. “When I’m around Shouyou… I feel really weird, and I… I think… I like him…” Yes. That sounded just about right. He _liked_ Hinata. “I like him a lot.”

Again, Kuroo was silent. But this time he was quiet for a longer amount of time, and Kenma started to worry. Usually he was quick to make a comment, and perhaps even crack another silly joke of his, but this time, he wasn’t speaking.

_Why..?_

But then Kuroo was laughing again and clapping him on the back, “Sounds like a crush, Kenma! You’re really coming out of your shell!”

“Wh -!” Kenma felt his cheeks turn pink. “There you go again, not making any sense!”

“But hey, I’m happy for you.” He felt Kuroo’s hand on his head, warm and strong and comforting, fingers ruffling his hair affectionately. “I’m happy for you, Kenma. I really am.

“Don’t be stupid, Kuroo.” Kenma brushed his hand away good-naturedly and turned to give him a look – but as he did so, he felt himself pause.

_Something was wrong._

Kuroo wasn’t quite looking at him, and his gaze felt a bit distant, his smile even slightly forced, as though his words betrayed his emotions. And Kenma didn’t understand. He was confused. He opened his mouth to speak, to ask, but at that moment Kuroo looked down at the stick of the popsicle he had probably finished quite a while ago, and his eyes brightened, though not so much that Kenma could identify him being truly excited.

“Hey, would you look at that, I got a prize! Seems like today’s my lucky day!” Kuroo gave him a mischievous grin, but in Kenma’s mind all he could think of was _No, no, something’s wrong, there’s something wrong, tell me, tell me what’s the matter, Kuroo –_ “Looks like I beat you today, Kenma! Wait right here!” And he started to run in the direction of the convenience store.

“Kuroo –“ Kenma stood still, rooted to his spot, small, cold drops of his own melting ice cream dripping into his hand. _What..?_ But he had caught a glimpse of the stick; it wasn’t a winning one, was it?* There was nothing written on either side. He would’ve seen it. Silently, he watched as Kuroo ran away, and he felt a heavy feeling in his chest.

_What… what was this?_

This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

The plan was to tell Kuroo what he felt about Hinata, and perhaps ask for his advice about the matter. He did not expect for the way Kuroo reacted; he knew Kuroo better than anybody else, knew the way he would sometimes hide how he truly felt behind smiles and laughter and teasing. And suddenly he felt a pain in his chest. _Kuroo’s hiding something from me. Why..?_

He didn’t understand.

He just didn’t understand at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *To those who don't know, in Japan (I don't know if they have this in other countries), some popsicle sticks say things like "You win!" Usually it means that you can return for another popsicle (for free, of course), though apparently for some bars you need to collect sticks.
> 
> I feel like this is terribly ooc but I hope you guys like it... The next chapter is from Kuroo's perspective. Comments would be very much appreciated.


	2. Kuroo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A retelling of the first chapter, but in Kuroo's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is unedited, so I apologize for any errors I may have made.

_“There is nothing so mortifying as to fall in love with someone who does not share one's sentiments.”_   
_―[Georgette Heyer](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/18067.Georgette_Heyer), [Venetia](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/3234302)_

* * *

Kuroo had known about his feelings for as long as he could remember.

In fact, he had always thought that it had been quite easy to figure out. He had known Kenma since they were little kids; Kenma, the quiet boy who would always sit by himself in one corner and play alone. It had taken Kuroo quite some time to get the boy to speak with him, and even play with him, but he had always been persistent after all, and his efforts paid off. The two became friends and have been inseparable ever since.

Kuroo liked to think, quite proudly, that he had played a huge part in Kenma’s development. He had gotten the younger boy into volleyball and helped him gain more friends. Sure, he was still an introvert, but he talked more often now, and was no longer as scared as he used to be when it came to interacting with other people. Besides, he was Kenma’s _best_ friend. Despite all the other friends he made, Kenma still came to him the most, opened up to him the most.

And then Hinata Shouyou had arrived.

It wasn’t as though Hinata was always around; he didn’t even live in Tokyo. He was only there, along with his team, for practice matches, and yet he always noticed a change in Kenma when the bright-haired shorty was around. Other people wouldn’t notice it, but Kuroo did. Kuroo _always_ did. How Kenma’s eyes would brighten, and how his voice would slightly get a pitch higher when they spoke; subtle hints that only Kuroo could see. And he had brought it up one time.

_“Well then,” he said, grinning rather mischievously, “…if shorty were your practice partner as an_ opponent _, it would get you motivated too, wouldn’t it?”_

_Kenma blinked, seemingly confused as he looked up at Kuroo. “Why do you say that?”_

_“When you’re watching one of shorty’s matches… your face looks the same way it does when you’re starting a freshly-bought game, you know?”_

_He waited for a response. Kenma seemed a little bit surprised, but he gave Kuroo a look before turning away. “…not really. What sort of face is that, anyway?”_

_Kuroo laughed. “An excited one!”_

_“A what? You’re not making any sense.”_

Kenma was _excited_ when Hinata was around, particularly when he was in the court, playing.

Kuroo didn’t remember Kenma ever looking at him that way.

The look Kenma always gave him was a look of recognition, a look of acknowledgment. It was as though whenever he looked at Kuroo, he thought, _I know Kuroo. I’ve known him since we were children, and he’s my friend. He’s always been. That’s all there is._

Or maybe that was just Kuroo overthinking. But when it came to Kenma, he was (almost) always right, and to be thought of as “just a friend” bothered him. So one day, he decided to tell Kenma how he truly felt.

They had stopped by a convenience store for some ice cream on the way home after training. Both of them were quiet, tired from that day’s practice. They had decided on a tougher training regimen after all, to prepare themselves for their upcoming matches. They were determined to finally face Karasuno in an official match this year. The Battle of the Trash Heap.

It was in this silence that Kuroo decided it was probably the right time to speak.

“Say, Kenma –“

“Hey, Kuroo –“

Ah, they had spoken at the same time. Kuroo laughed. “Ah, you go first. What is it Kenma?” It would be better to let him talk first, wouldn’t it? To get things out of the way. He bet the younger boy was going to ask him for help about something.

“Oh, well, I…” Kenma bit his lip and fidgeted, turning away from him. Was he nervous? Just what was he going to say? “I’ve been… thinking about something lately…”

“Hm? About what?”

“Not ‘what’, but more of, ‘who’… I… I’ve been thinking about… about Shouyou…”

There was a slight pause. Kuroo had a bad feeling about this, and suddenly he wanted to change the topic then and there, but that would be rude to Kenma. Swallowing the last of his popsicle, he urged him to continue. “Oh? And what about him?”

“Well, I remember what you told me before… Remember, during training camp? You said that I always look excited whenever I watch Shouyou’s matches, and I… I realized that…” Kenma paused for a moment. He rarely talked this much, Kuroo realized. _It must feel hard on him._ “When I’m around Shouyou… I feel really weird, and I… I think… I like him…”

There it was.

The words that he feared hearing.

“I like him a lot.”

Kuroo was silent. The moment Kenma had started his speech, he already had a gut feeling that it would lead to this, and yet that didn’t soften the blow. He didn’t know what to say. Here he was, about to tell Kenma his feelings, that _he_ liked _him_ , but this was what he had gotten instead.

He had to say something before Kenma realized that something was up. So he laughed – though he realized that he sounded quite strained, his laughter forced, and he wanted to hit himself on the head for not making himself sound more natural – and clapped Kenma on the back. “Sounds like a crush, Kenma! You’re really coming out of your shell!”

“Wh -!” Kenma blushed, and the pain Kuroo felt in his chest just got worse. “There you go again, not making any sense.”

“But hey, I’m happy for you.” Kuroo smiled, and reached out to pat Kenma on the head, ruffling his hair; black hair he had dyed blond so he _wouldn’t_ stand out. “I’m happy for you, Kenma. I really am.”

Except he wished that Kenma felt that way about him.

Not that loud, energetic shorty from Karasuno.

“Don’t be stupid, Kuroo.” Kenma brushed his hand away – not unkindly, he knew, but it felt like a rejection nonetheless – and gave him a look. Kuroo didn’t quite look back at him, and instead he tried to find a distraction –

Ah. The popsicle stick.

“Hey, would you look at that, I got a prize! Seems like today’s my lucky day!” He grinned. “Looks like I beat you today, Kenma! Wait right here!”

“Kuroo –“

But he was already running back towards the convenience store, an ordinary popsicle stick in hand. Of _course_ it wasn’t a winning stick. It was just a dumb excuse he had made up, though he felt that Kenma knew he was lying. He just wanted to get away, to be alone, even just for a while. Kenma would definitely worry if he stayed too long, so he decided to pretend to do what he had said he would. He entered the convenience store and purchased another popsicle, throwing away the unmarked stick from earlier, though as he did his mind was elsewhere.

_What… what was this?_

This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

The plan was to tell Kenma his feelings, and if he had accepted them, then all was well; if not, then he would either back off, or persuade Kenma to at least give him a chance.

Neither of that had happened. Instead, he had let Kenma speak first, let Kenma tell him that he liked Hinata.

He should have known.

He should have known from the start.

* * *

 To love someone unrequitedly really _was_ painful, wasn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments would be appreciated.


End file.
